She walks down the church's narrow aisle in her most recently purchased gown. She had spent many hours fixing herself up before her arrival and following this spent a significant amount of time admiring her reflection in the gleaming mirror. The frock fits her perfectly, it forms around her silhouette as if she had been dipped in fabric. She steps confidently as she begins to feel the crowd's eyes divert and land on her. She smiles at the familial as their gazes become fixed upon her. She hears an occasional gasp or sob as her hands skim the white satin she has adorned. They too must be admiring her appearance as she had for most of the morning. She beams, content, as she steps in time to the beautiful orchestral music. As she passes she hears a cacophony of whispers and rustling fabric mixing with the plucked strings of instruments.

Anger boils up behind their eyes as they burn a hole through her skin and refuse to divert. She finds her pew and ignores the attentive audience's belligerent stares’. The music marches on, floating through the air until it reaches each corner of the building and then bounces back again, dancing throughout the church. Everyone suddenly stands to attention as another woman walks down that same aisle, furiously squeezing her bouquet of flowers, her knuckles drained of any colour so that they begin to match the colour of her dress. Her face is aghast as her eyes too, dart towards the woman who had floated down the aisle just before her.

The woman sat in the pew watches blissfully unaware of the anger-charged unwavering attention she had consumed since her feet had crossed the threshold to this sacred spot. She whispers to her neighbours “Oh my God! What a stunning bride, that is a beautiful dress” as she in turn oohs and ahhs. She even throws a smile and a cheeky wave in her direction as the bride refuses to break eye contact with her, her brows furrowed and nostrils flared. The people sitting amongst this ignorant woman simply ignore her, craning their necks to look at the furthest away point, scared of sharing these ferocious stares by association.


Recipe for Disaster
Ingredients
250g of Ivory Satin
250g of Blissful Ignorance
100g of Judging Stares
1 tbsp of Denial
1 tbsp of Shocked Gasps
25g of Orchestra music
25g of Furious whispers
150 mls of Self absorption
500ml of Bridal Rage

Method
Step 1
Preheat the tension and fury of the inhabitants of the venue by walking into the Church last-minute, just when the string quartet have begun playing. Dip yourself in the Ivory satin and have it adorned with lace and beads. Carefully, mix together your shocked gasps and judging stares, and as you confidently stride down the narrow aisle in time to the delicate harmony. Pour in your self-absorption and blissful ignorance and combine them until they start to look like a disgusting ego complex. Furiously beat your ingredients together until the entire room slowly but firmly edge away from you to prevent being linked to you in any way possible.

Step 2
Take your mixture of ingredients and start to mash and smear them all over the aisle until the Bride ferociously marches after you, staring daggers into your unaware face. Take these stares and score a careful and deep smile into your cheeks as you whisper compliments for the bride to an audience so dead-set on ignoring your entire existence for fear of being loathed and banished on association.

Step 3
Bake for about 30-35 minutes (or until you’re thrown out) in a sweltering congregation. Let it cook until it reaches boiling point and you’ve made around 200 life-long enemies. Transfer yourself home and watch as no one speaks to you for a few decades until it cools off. If you want to speed up the cooling down process send along a few invites to your own events and watch them at first be ignored until someone obliges just to try and ruin your day in turn! And of course the most important step, enjoy while you can!